Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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