you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
