Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
We are two peas in an std pod
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
