The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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