This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
