i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
