So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
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How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
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Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.