captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls