Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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