between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
