Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
