I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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