i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
