Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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