Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
