hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
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Houston, we have a squirter
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
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Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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