I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
