I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
