We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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