I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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