if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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