This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
