dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Can't talk, ducks in the car
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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