I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
