So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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