just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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