he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
