I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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