If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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