Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
