i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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