she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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