I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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