the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
