oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
