your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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