i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
