Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
