So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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