I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
