he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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