Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
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Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
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I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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