Umm I'm too high to move.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
