just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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