I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
