Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I looked at my own cervix.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
