so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
