he wants to bone in the snuggie
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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