i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
