You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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