At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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