Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
