If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
