I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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