i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
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