I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
