and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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