dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
