Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
