I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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