bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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