I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
