My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
