dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
